trying

to smile.
stop crying.
she's still here. &im still hers. at least that's what i hope so.
i'll still be here whenever she's ready. i dont care how long it takes.
if it ends up falling apart... i promise you i'll always be your wiener dog.
but i know you'll pull through. i've said this maybe 12837148 times already.
but i know you will. i know it. do this for me please. again, i love you babe.

So baby don't worry
You are my only
You won't be lonely
Even if the sky is falling down
You'll be my only, no need to worry

someone help me stop...

please.

i hope when you do come back, everything will be back the way it was.
not only that, but hopefully we'll be even stronger than we are now.
don't let this end the way with what's going on right now.
i still have faith in you. i still have hope in you. i still believe in you.
i know you'll pull through. for yourself. for me. for us. js try.
i love you.

when people say they'll try, they don't.
it's happened to me three times already.
they just say they're going to try, and then they just go through their lives not giving a shit anymore, and just going through the fucking motions.
and when they do try, it just all falls apart at the end.
i'm hoping not to have either of those happen this time.
i'll wait. i'll be patient. i'll still love you.
i just don't want to wait too long :/
EDIT: no... i'll wait as long as it takes. i won't let this fire between us die down. if this is real, i know she'll come back eventually, no matter how long it'll take her to get herself settled.

i hope you're all ready to see a very very angry, anal, ignorant michael lapena.

"you look troubled!"

"... i am."

school.

so far, school has been a pain in the ass.
1. i'm only taking 6 classes. i dont know if i wanna get into another class because i like getting out earlier, but i really want my credits. and if i do get into another class, i dont know what it'll be. med core is closed still i think. if i take wind ensemble again, it'll be an easy class because alvo is too lazy to do anything with us, and that'll be easy credits. i just don't know how getting another class will change my schedule, cause i don't want to leave novita in english :(
2. all of my classes are boring. no one i know is in my classes except for history and spanish, but still. it's hard to make them fun.
3. i never really noticed until today &i know it's only the second day of school, but my friend in chemistry earlier told me that i look sad. &i guess that's kind of true. she asked me if i missed my girlfriend, and i replied "yeah. a lot". since my classes are so boring, there's nothing to keep me occupied, and i'm usually just thinking about my girlfriend all day in all of my classes. in the last two weeks, we both have been through band camp. me, at rowland. her, at nogales. in the last two weeks, i feel like we've drifted apart from each other. sometimes she doesn't even text me in the morning anymore. sometimes she doesn't text me back at all. sometimes i don't think she cares anymore. but i know she does. i know she's busy. i'm busy too. but having conflicting practice schedules... it's hard to talk to her during the day/night, and all i really want is just acknowledgment. sometimes i wonder what goes on through her head when i'm at practice. does she think about me? i wonder what goes on through her head when i'm with her. is she happy? well, i js wna stay strong. anyways... yeah. hi tia if you're reading this. i love you.

well... after writing that, i don't know what else to write :/
point: i hate school so far. it's boring. and i miss my girlfriend. a lot. a lot.

its over.

goodbye to summer 09'
last day of summer coulda been better. i wish.
went out to eat for my aunts birthday.
i haven't talked to tia all day. i hope she is having/had fun at warped.
&it was our 4months today :). i love her verrry much <3
school tomorrow. and the first 5-9 practice. i hope everything goes well tomorrow.

almost over

band camp is almost over. thank god. i've been wanting to get out of this shit ever since it started. tomorrow is the last day, then friday is the trumpet sectional[maybe] &the parent review! andand, i've been wanting to see my girlfriend the past two weeks. it's been hard to talk to her because of our conflicting schedules. but this weekend, i'm finaally going to get to see her, so i'm happy :) i'm hoping things go back to normal for us once band camp is over and once school starts.

anyways, regiment is doing well. i wish there was more discipline though, so that freshman & other people wouldn't fuck around so much. i want the regiment to be good. i want the regiment to get better. i hope the season goes well this year. i'm really feeling good about this year. i hope next year, also my last year, will be even better. too bad we don't march wba yet :( i've been wanting to march wba since freshman year. ooh well, hope to see rowland make it up there after i leave.

and, i hope school going to good. my schedule is missing one of my classes. i don't know what i'm gonna do if i don't get the class on the official schedule on the first day of school. i'm probably going to have to take another wind ensemble class again, which i dont want to do[even though it'll probably a chill out class], because i don't want to spend another hour practicing music / marching. &if i dont get that class i want, then i don't know what i'm going to take my senior year :( we'll see how everything goes.

anyways, today... it went... okay. just practice music the first three hours. then break. i got to see athena :) she thinks i'm talking more now hehe. i hope i can do that with other peoples. she's so fun :D it's her birthday on friday guys. she's having a big party at her house. everyones invited. HAHA. yeah, then last half of camp was just cleaning up the part of the show we already learned. i want to finish the first mvt already :(. i don't think we'll finish it until school starts. i wish we finished it before camp ends just like last year. oh well.

i'm done.
i'm excited. i can't wait to see my girlfriend this saturday :D
knowing that is helping me get through the rest of this week.

i give up

trying so hard to talk to her whenever she's out.
because she eventually stops talking to me anyways.
when im with her, i feel like she checks her phone every five minutes, and she's anxious to get out of whatever we're doing.
when she's with other people, it's like she doesn't even care that im trying to talk to her.
whatever. i give up. if she wants to talk to me, she'll talk to me... right?
i'm sorry. this is just hard for me after this week.

... happy2sad.

if i do not see tia barrera before school starts,
i will become one very sad and angry person.
& you really don't want to see that.
that's a promise.

i let my emotions get to me this week.
i told myself to try and not to, but i guess i did.
not being able to talk to her all day saddens me. the only time we talk is during break and at night when we come home. on top of that we don't even talk that much when we DO talk. i've tried phone calls, but i'm not any good at those.
&on break today, it didn't feel like she wanted to talk to me, even though she said she did. i only try to talk to her because i want us to stay strong. but i can't do that if she's not going to cooperate.
i thought i'd be able to see her this saturday, but i guess not. my only hope to get all of this stress off of me. i wonder what week two will be like.
i just want us to be strong.
writing this blog makes me feel even clingier, so i'll just stop.

... i love you.

my only hope to relieve stress this weekend is gone :(

this is so hard for me]:

summers over for me. not really happy about it because i have to be at school for the next two weeks. so pretty much school has already started for me.
anyways, this summer, i haven't really done anything. but i'm still happy about what went on this summer. i've stayed up with my girlfriend almost every night, i've seen her probably every other week since summer started, i've seen my favorite apol :D, i've gone to the beach. i've done a lot of things. i think i got over my wangan addiction this summer too.
but now, i have band camp and link crew. i could honestly care less about link crew now after the last meeting. i don't even have any freshmen. i have to pick them out the day of freshman orientation. i dont even know my partner. im planning just to make up some lame ass excuse just not to go. but then again, i don't want to disappoint my partner, and i payed $15 dollars for membership fee, and the #1 reason why i want to stay... is because of lei. she was there for me when i was a freshman, i wanna be there for other freshmen too.
well... now, i'm just prioritizing tia and band. especiallly tia because i'm not going to be able to talk to her much in the next two weeks, but we'll still be seeing each other this weekend hopefully. im js hoping it doesn't become weird between us :(. she's made this whole summer bearable. and i thank you, tia, for that. love you :)

goodbye to summer of 09.
i'm going to go back to reminiscing.

cheating

my cousin brought up my girlfriend in the car earlier. he asked if we were serious. i said, "yeah. well at least i am. i dont know about her".
then he brought up about how he got cheated on by his last girlfriend. which totally put the thought into my mind... "what if tia did/is/will... ?" &&what if she's js using me.
not saying that she did/is/will, and im not saying that she's probably using me. js you know. the thought of what if scares me.
not that i don't trust her, because i do. it's just im scared of losing her.

tia disappeared tonight ]:

fact: i'm better than tia at mariokart

michael-2 tia-1 ties-8

:D

im eating cheetoes fries.
that's all i have to say.
no wait, i just put on my favorite chapstick.
i still have the taste of tia on me. LOL :x
okay im done.
NO WAIT
im gna download mario kart. even though i have the real thing.
but i'm not going to carry it around with me and switch the R4 just for mario kart -__-
okay im done.
i'm serious this time.
PROMISE. -pinkytouchthumbkiss!-
LOL :D
NO WAIT :[ ONE MORE PLEASE :[:[:[
so, i realized katy perry's posts more facebook now
i'm just going to comment the link to my hot&cold video to her now so a bunch of people will see it. LOL hopefully.
OKAY IM DONE. PROMISE.

~michael the massager.

if anything changes. i'll delete this blog.


//edit.
... i can't delete this blog.
fact is, i still am disappointed
going through the trouble of trying to wake you up for four hours. and having to go out late. you said you wanted more time with me.
being left alone because you have plans to go somewhere else.
asking you everyday if you'd be able to go out on saturday.
then you ask me if i wanted to hang out on saturday. i ask you what about drumline? and you say that you'd rather be with me than with them.
i thought you'd keep your word.
i haven't seen you for three weeks. all i get is two hours.
&you see drumline a lot more than you see me.
THAT is what bothered me the most after you left.
schools starting soon. time to be with you is running out.